My Faith In You
by starlightcake
Summary: Kurt Hummel didn't consider himself suicidal - he never wanted to die. The only problem was that he had already stopped trying to live long ago.
1. Goodbyes In Ink

**A/N**: So, this is my first Glee fanfic. It didn't exactly turn out the way I wanted it to, but that's what you get when you don't have enough experience in writing or english. XD

**Summary**: Kurt Hummel didn't consider himself suicidal - he never wanted to die. The only problem was that he had already stopped trying to live long ago.

**Warnings**: Suicide, duh, if you didn't already guess it from the summary.

**Disclaimer**: Not sure why anyone bothers, because this is _fanfiction_, and we all know what that means. :D

* * *

It was so easy to close your eyes from the reality and deny the obvious signs, deny the truth and ignore the fact that cracks in glass were _never _invisible.

Mercedes wasn't always much of an optimistic, and certainly not a pessimist, but she had always prided herself in being realistic. Seeing all the important things there was to see that _mattered_, never closing her eyes from reality and certainly not ever ignoring people in need. _Friends_ in need.

(_Kurt _in need. And that alone should have made it million times more urgent.)

Was she just a coward, then? Had she been lying to herself all along? If she had been one to make excuses, she would have said that Kurt _wanted_ to keep everyone at arms' length. That he didn't want anyone else see him struggling, coming undone, that he didn't need nor want any pity. But as it was, she still didn't believe in excuses. She wasn't naïve enough to blame her own faults on anyone or anything else - because the root of the problem that it all came down to was that he just hadn't really had anybody to rely on.

Because if everyone else failed him, if the world let him down, Kurt should have always had Mercedes. And no matter how cheesy that sounded, it had always been their unspoken agreement: that between the two of them, they'd always be there for each other, to give their love, support and unyielding friendship.

And that was what hurt the most: she had been one of the people to let him down too, when she had always vowed to be the very opposite of that. Mercedes had been one of the people to shut her eyes and pretend that nothing was wrong at all.

She would blame and hate herself for it for the rest of her life, she knew. And she deserved no less.

* * *

_"Dear Dad, Carole, Finn, Mercedes and everyone in Glee Club_

_This is not a suicide note. People who leave those behind want to be caught in the act. I don't, and neither do I want to write about how much everything sucks or how tiring living has become, because that would be simply meaningless. But I guess that I should take my time to apologize for taking the easy way out, giving up. If I were to defend my actions, I'd argue that I did try to fight. Every day of my life I tried to fight back with all the strength that I had, most of which I got from you guys, but it simply wasn't enough anymore. But as I said, I don't want to defend myself. I hope that you'll find it in your hearts to someday forgive me, and I realize that asking for understanding would be a waste of paper. _

_It hurts me more than I can express in words to know that I'm going to escape and leave all of you behind. Oh, I know that all of you will be okay: you have each other after all, you won't need me standing by your side to make you guys stronger. (I always needed you though, I couldn't have made it this far alone.) But what hurts the most is that _I _will not have you by _my_ side. I know I haven't always been perfect son, "sorta-bother" or friend, but you have still been there for me and for that, I'm eternally grateful._

_Dad. I love you so much, and I'm sorry that you've always had to be the strong one. I know it wasn't easy on you, losing the woman you loved and having to raise a kid like me all by yourself. And you did great, too, because you're the best father I could've asked for, and I wish that you'll find it in your heart to forgive me and love me still. You know I always hated to disappoint you, and this will surely take the cake of all the bad things I've done before. Please don't hate me and more importantly, please don't blame yourself. In fact, don't blame anyone but me. This is no-one's fault but mine, okay? I believe in you, Dad, so I know you'll be strong enough to keep going on. And I'm glad that you've got Carole and Finn by your side to help you through this, because you know I'd never leave you alone._

_Carole, Finn, as strange as it is, you really fit into our weird little family. I had great time with you guys, and Carole, I'm really glad that you and Dad both found new love and happiness in each other. Please look after dad after I'm gone. I know our family will work out just as well even when I'm out of the picture. Finn, I've never even dreamed of having a brother, but you're everything that I whould've imagined if I had. I hope you'll forgive me too, both for killing myself and all the ways I wronged you with my selfish little plots. _

_Mercedes. I never really had friends before Glee, until I met you. You really were my best friend, and now, having had you, I realize that you were one of the most important people in my life. I couldn't ever have made it this far without you. I love you. I'm aware that you knew all of this already, but I just wanted to say it to you one last time. I'd ask for your forgiviness too, but I guess that it would be pointless because I know you'll never forgive. Killing is a sin, killing yourself is a sin, I know. It pains me to know that the last thing I'll ever do will make me a sinner for all eternity in your eyes. I just hope that someday, you'll be able to see past that and remember the Kurt Hummel with a dream and not Kurt Hummel who killed himself, because I'll always be there for you, dead or alive, as long as you'll keep holding me in your heart._

_Tina, Rachel, Brittany, Quinn, Santana, Puck, Artie, Mike and Matt. I understand that all of us weren't exactly friends, but we were all in the Glee Club and I guess that that's what matters. We were all part of something that was special, at least to us. So I guess that's why you'll always be special to me too, but you probably don't necesserily feel the same way about me. I know that you'll live on without me and that I wasn't that important to all of you, but I have to let you know how grateful I am for you guys. I love Glee, and nothing made that crappy high school better than being part of it with you guys. Tina, you were very good friend, and I gotta tell you; secretly, I always kind of admired your style and clothes. Not only because you totally rocked your look, but it was always just so _you_ that one can't help but admire. Rachel, I never hated you, and I'm sorry for all the bad things I've said about you. Yes, I even want to apologize for the cruel comments I made about your clothing (because they were mean, not because I didn't mean them). I always respected your talent and ability to be proud of yourself, no matter what. And in all honesty, there was just so many similarities between the two of us that it was kind of scary. Brittany, you're one of the most unique people I've met and I love you so much for it. The world would be so less dull if everyone were like you. Quinn, you're so strong and it was amazing to witness how you came out from a total mess with head held up high. Santana, I just have to respect your utter HBICness. Puck, leaving you a note in this letter must be one of the strangest things I've done. Giving last words to a guy whose favorite past time was throwing me into the dumpsters, slushying me and giving me swirlies? Strange. But I guess that shows just how far you've come from being a total bully to someone more pleasant. Well, be glad, because I've forgiven you. Artie, I can hardly resist the urge to tell you to burn all of your suspenders and belts and never to wear both of them on the same time ever again or I'll come to haunt you. Actually, I might do just that. You better listen to me, and while you're at it, do that and never change anything else, because one has to admire your talents and strength. Mike and Matt (yes, can't speak about one of you without the other), I realize that I've never really talked to either of you. What's up with that? Guys, you seriously have to speak more, because I know I would've liked to listen what you would've had to say._

_Ugh. This letter wasn't meant to be this long, my hand's sore all over._

_I'm sorry. I love you. Yes, broken record much? Anyway, I realize that you're going to try to search for me, try to find me, most surely stop me, but it's going to be too late. Like I said, I don't want to be caught in the act. If you'll find my body, I'm sorry for having to witness that and bury me. (No, I don't want you all to wear black and listen to depressing funeral songs, so you better respect that.) If I'll turn out to be even a bigger of a coward and you'll find me alive, I'm sorry for giving you false hope - and damn if writing this letter was all for nothing._

_Kurt_

_Ps. I honestly tried to be brave. I'm sorry I couldn't be strong for you."_

* * *

That day had been one of the brightest, sunniest and warmest summer days that Lima had so far seen. Finn was sure that Kurt appreciated the irony.

The day had started out normally enough: since it was summer vacation, nobody in the Hummel-Hudson residence bothered to wake up before noon. Even Burt and Carole had taken break from their works. Eventually, Carole got up and decided that she was done doing nothing, and woke up her husband and son.

At first, Kurt's absence went unnoticed. Well, he had told all of them that he would have a sleepover at Mercedes' place.

"Mom, can I have pancakes for breakfast?" Finn asked eagerly. Not that he didn't eat them almost every morning, but there was just something special about sleeping until noon and waking up for pancakes. Yes, it was definitely the most awesome thing, like, _ever._

"Sure thing, sweetheart," Carole promised. Finn grinned and sat down into one of the kitchen chairs.

Just as Burt and Finn were making plans for the day, they were cut off pretty affectively when Carole let out the most horrified, high-pitched scream.

"Carole!"

"Mom!"

Carole looked like she had seen a ghost. Her face had gone to sickly white, her eyes were wide with shock and glistening tears threatening to fall, and she was hardly standing up. Just as Burt and Finn started to ask what was wrong, she just shook her head and handed them a paper, not really trusting her voice at the moment.

Burt was about to throw the damned-piece of paper away and find out what had happened, but then he recognized the handwriting; neat and curly. _Kurt._

_"This is not a suicide note. People who leave those behind want to be caught in the act. I don't, and..."_

For a moment Burt was sure that everything froze. For a moment he was sure that world wasn't turning, sun wasn't shining, he wasn't breathing or his heart beating. For a moment nothing existed, no feelings, no nothing.

Then he remembered that he was alive and this was _reality_, and it was then that he forgot to breathe for real. The fear. The fear that had always been alive, eating his insides, giving him nightmares... Yes, the fear had always been there. Now, it felt like all fear that he had ever felt had come back to haunt him, leaving him numb to anything else but for the coldness inside of him.

Never had Finn been so confused in his life, and that was saying something - he lived with Kurt, after all. But neither had he ever felt so scared before. He had no idea what was wrong, but he knew for sure that neither his mom nor Burt were hurt or harmed. Then it clicked. It was the piece of paper, he realized. His mom had been holding it and now, Burt had practically froze all over after just seeing it. So, worried and, despite himself, curious, he plucked the letter out of Burt's limp fingers.

For a moment he simply didn't understand the words. For one, blissful moment, nothing was wrong.

And then, it clicked. Despite Kurt's words, it indeed _was_ a suicide note.

It took another moment for him to realize what that _meant_. And with that realization, he felt like his whole world had just come crushing down.

Standing there, Finn tried to decide whether to throw up, cry his heart out, fall to the ground or burst into action, never realizing that those little moments ticking away might have the power to change everything.

Because while the truth hand sunk in and sunk deep, for a minute none of them could figure out what to do.


	2. And the Failure Is Us

A/N: Not sure yet where I'm gonna go with this story yet. Not that it's going to be long (because it's not), but I'm not sure yet how I want this to end. I find the close-call stories sometimes a little boring (omfg, he tried to kill himself but now he's gonna be fiiiiine~), but on the other hand, killing Kurt is just wrong! I don't wanna be mean like that, not really. XD

**Summary**: Kurt Hummel didn't consider himself suicidal - he never wanted to die. The only problem was that he had already stopped trying to live long ago.

* * *

It wasn't like he didn't see that everything was wrong.

And in Puck's opinion, that was the most horrid thing of all: obviously, everything was out of the ordinary and Kurt was coming crashing down, right in front of all of their ignorant faces, and no-one did a damn thing. Nothing. They just shut their eyes and pretended that they had nothing to worry about.

And it was just as frightening as it was confusing, because while Puck had never really bothered to try befriend the gay kid, he still _cared_. And he had thought that other glee kids cared too, because really, they _were_ one crazy, messed up family, helping each other through the hard times and laughing along during the good ones. On some level, Puck had always counted on that.

So _why_ was nobody doing anything to help Kurt when he was so obviously wasting away right in front of them?

Granted, neither was he. He was pretty sure that Kurt wouldn't appreciate any kind of help from him, that he would just shut off completely and lash out. And _that_ was why he was so mad that nobody did anything: even if he couldn't be the one to help, there should have been so many _others_ to offer the boy their support.

He kind of wanted to punch all of their faces in so things could go back from _dreadfully wrong_ to _right_ before it was too late.

Still, when he got Finn's panicked phonecall that didn't really make much sense at all, he finally understood something that he should have seen coming all along, and should've tried to prevent from happening from the moment he first realized that _no_, everything wasn't alright.

Puck realized that Kurt Hummel wasn't okay, hadn't been for a while; realized that all he had needed had been for someone to notice, _anyone_, to care.

It was so simple and easy request, really. All the kid had asked for.

None of them had given him either of those things.

* * *

It was a simple secret that no-one really knew; Santana loved being part of the Glee Club. It wasn't that she was desperate to express herself through singing, but she really enjoyed the feeling while doing so that it was where she _belonged_. Where all of the Glee kids belonged.

She was a bitch and she knew it, and really, it was something that she wanted to be. Santana the bitch, Santana the HBIC, BAMF, whatever. She didn't show compassion and she didn't give a damn about other people - at least, not when there was nothing in it for her. (With the exception of Brittany, of course, but she was always an exception.)

It didn't mean that she didn't notice when someone was hurting. It didn't mean that she didn't care when someone was struggling to keep their head held up high and failing.

In all honesty, she had always admired Kurt Hummel.

He was proud, fierce and had a wit worth of even her respect. He didn't let anyone stand in-between him and his goals, and most importantly, he knew who he was and wouldn't change it for _anyone_. (Well, except for the time when he dressed like a butch and sang Mellencamp.) Santana admired that. Anyone who knew the kid couldn't help but admire that.

And it was probably for that very reason that people wanted to beat him, to see him break. She was pretty sure that there were on-going bets that who would be the one to actually make the kid fall apart.

Which was very stupid, in her opinion, because it was obvious that Kurt had already fallen apart.

It wasn't like she didn't see the difference. Santana wasn't exactly sure what had been the turning point. It didn't matter. The most beatiful boy she had ever known had been shot down and the free bird whose singing she was now earning to hear wasn't about to fly ever again. It was a shame, really.

Kurt was - or had been, back when he was still whole - such a beatiful piece of art, that it felt so _wrong_ that people didn't stop and try to see past the frames it was captured in, see the actual painting.

But Santana was Santana, and she wasn't supposed to give a damn, so she continued to be a coward and hide her insecureties behing her cold mask of indifference.

Only Brittany was there to see it crumble and fall away when the news of Kurt reached her.


	3. Important When We Matter

**Summary**: Kurt Hummel didn't consider himself suicidal - he never wanted to die. The only problem was that he had already stopped trying to live long ago.

* * *

Will Schuester was just a teacher. And no matter how much he cared for (most) of his students, he knew that in their eyes, he was nothing besides that for them. He really wanted to be there for the kids, especially his Glee kids, to support them and help them express themselves. Even though being stuck in a town like Lima meant he would never be more than a Lima Loser, he always found comfort in the fact that in a way, he mattered. That he was special and important for his kids.

But again, he was just a teacher, and Will understood that he really wasn't much of a importance in any of their lives. That he really didn't mean that much to them.

Will _was_ fairly foolish in his optimism, in fact, he knew that he could be pretty oblivious. Hell, his own wife had faked pregnancy for _months_ and he hadn't noticed.

So it came to him as a total surprise when he realized how much his students had to go through.

How much Kurt Hummel had to go through.

Slushies were nothing new, even for him. But he had never felt more idiotic in his life than when he found out about the other things, more serious things.

Dumpster dives came as a total shock. He _had_ seen Kurt standing by the dumpster almost every morning, surrounded by jocks twice his weight, and what had he thought? Well, certainly _not_ that they were bullies who found it amusing to deem people who they thought were less in worth than them to the same level with the trash. Waste. Certainly not that they would throw individuals like Kurt who stood out for who they were to the biles of old cafeteria food. No, Will Schuester wasn't optimistic: he was just plain naïve.

And of course the bullying would be physical. Of course emotional scars, cutting deep wouldn't be enough. _Of course_ there would be sexual harassment thrown into the mix and _how_ was it possible that he never saw anything? The jocks weren't that smart, not really, to be sneaky and sly enough be able to have all their tormenting go unseen by _every single person _at the school.

And with the guilt gnawing away his insides, Will couldn't help but admit that no wonder someone wouldn't - _couldn't _- take it anymore. What was there worth enough to fight for if everybody you should be counting on didn't even _try_ to open their eyes to the cruel displays of reality?

Will was a teacher. It was his _job_ to be there for the kids through the hell that was high school.

And he had utterly, miserably _failed._

It was too late, he knew. For once in his life he didn't feel optimistic at all - just plain realistic, and the feeling was new; foreign; bitter. And even though he snapped into action and joined all the others in the search for Kurt, he already knew that they would never find him.

Not alive, at least, because Kurt had never been one to chicken out when his mind was set on something.

Why? Because Kurt was the most determined person he had ever known.

* * *

Tina had always felt that every single person in this world was there for a reason. She had always believed that everyone had their place where they belonged, where they mattered: that they would always in the end, without fail, find the place where their hearts would be truly at peace for the rest fo their lives.

She had always been so _sure_ that everyone was important.

It was fairly foolish belief, so she never shared it with anyone. And Tina knew that not many would agree with her.

And as far as the high school years went, she knew for a fact that at the moment, Glee club was something where all of them belonged for the time being. Because they were different, special, all they really had was each other.

Or so she liked to pretend.

Tina was absolutely certain that Kurt wouldn't have agreed with her. He was cynical person by nature, realistic and so sure that his plain grey views on world were all there was to believe. He'd say that there was simply too many people for them all to matter, for them all to find their own place where to belong. He'd argue that not everyone were as deserving as the others anyway. That fairytale endings simply _did not happen_ because the lives they lived _were no fairytales_.

In her opinion, it was fairly depressing to think that way, and not entirely right either.

But _of course_ Kurt would see everything that way, and really, it wasn't all that surprising. It _was _obvious that in his world, there were no rays of sun to bring light and warmth (he _was_ very pale, after all).

And despite his lack of optimism, Kurt had always been so pure and, dare she say it, _innocent_ in a way that Tina had never been able to put a finger on. So _precious_ that it was such a shame that something so _important_ would be lost. Because Kurt mattered and he was needed and hell, Glee club might not be able to _win_ without Rachel or Finn, but they wouldn't be able to compete and _work_ without Kurt.

And she was ashamed, full of guilt and fury that they would _let_ Kurt slip away, that they would just _watch_ him shatter and break. Kurt had had his place. God, he would have had _future_ where he could have accomplished all of his dreams simply because _he had what it takes_. And his words haunted her, because they had always sounded so true, so well put, because she had _believed_ them.

_One day, you'll all work for me._

One day,_ you'll all work for _me_._

Before, they had never failed to make her laugh.

Now, they always made her a weepy, sobbing mess.

And when Tina ran out of her house to do _anything_ she could to find him, save him, she had never before prayed so much to be important.

Important, as in not letting death claim Kurt. Important in a way that was truly something that _mattered_.

Two things were for sure - one: if she failed Kurt in this, like she had failed him so many other times, she wouldn't be able to hold on to her silly, naïve beliefs for any longer.

Two: She would never be able to forgive herself if he died, because he was meant to be so much more than just another statistic.


	4. Let It Tremble, Let It Shatter

**Summary**: Kurt Hummel didn't consider himself suicidal - he never wanted to die. The only problem was that he had already stopped trying to live long ago.

**A/N:** BTW, I'm very grateful for the kind reviews this story has gotten! It's nice to know some people would voluntarily waste their precious time on my silly little fic. XD

* * *

Burt had never been a man of what ifs.

_(What if Kurt would've had his mother while growing up, what if Burt had gone against all the bullies at McKinley High, _what if he had been a better father._)_

And seriously, right now it was the worst possible moment to be living in the past with what-could-have-beens. There was simply no time for the past to haunt his mind, when the present was so uncertain, so cruel, but so crucial, important - because if it went wrong, there would be no future worth living for.

Because _then_ Burt knew that rest of his life would be one pathetic, enormous mess of what ifs, what-could-have-beens and forget-me-nots.

So he was doing his best not to feel anything. It was easy enough image to erase from his head: Kurt bleeding, Kurt drowning, Kurt burning, Kurt getting crushed, Kurt not breathing, Kurt with his brains blown out. No, there was no morbid scenarios in his head, cutting rational thinking short. _None. At. All._

He goddamn knew his son. Hell, he knew Kurt better than he knew _himself_.

_(He hadn't known that Kurt would be so messed up as to take away his own life.)_

So where, where was he? What place would serve him well enough to be the last thing he ever saw?

* * *

Mercedes got the call at exactly 1:14 PM. It served her well to know that, because she was sure that it would be forever etched into her mind.

1:14 PM.

1:14 PM was when everything around her came crushing down.

"Mercedes? It's Burt. Was Kurt there yesterday?"

At first she was too shocked to answer him. Sure, it was no surprise that her best friend's father had her number, but why on earth would he be calling her?

Something was wrong, she knew. Burt wasn't a man to sound so shaken without a reason.

"Y-yeah, we went shopping, watched movies and stuff.. Why?" She didn't care or notice how her voice had started trembling.

"Did he spent the night there?"

"Yes. Didn't he tell you?"

He once again ignored her question and she could have sworn she heard him sigh in relief. "When was the last time you saw him?"

"Um, 12 PM I think. Didn't.. Didn't he come home?"

"Mercedes. He's trying to kill himself."

* * *

He had seen the signs.

Artie prided himself in being observant. And if you were stuck in a wheelchair, you had to be, in order to, well, _survive_.

Artie didn't get along with everybody, and he wasn't always very sure how to act around people either, so it was kind of a blessing that people didn't always notice him that much. (Well, with the exception of the bullies who found him to be an easy target.) Sometimes people just didn't remember that he was there.

It wasn't like Kurt ignored him, no, he had always been very friendly towards Artie: in fact, they got along pretty well. It wasn't like they had much in common, but they still understood each other.

So it wasn't about Kurt seeing Artie: it was about Kurt not realizing Artie saw him too.

Saw the way Kurt's eyes darkened with every insult, every slamming against the locker.

Saw how Kurt's eyes lingered on sharp objects, lost in thought.

Saw how he suddenly became distant, unreachable, shell of a person he used to be.

And hell, Artie couldn't help hearing how Kurt suddenly talked more of death, more of _bad things_ - and that was only when he decided to speak at all.

So no, Artie wasn't ignorant.

He was just a plain idiot not to do anything before it was too late, to believe that Kurt would reach out to someone, anyone, before he would take the matters into his own hands; to belive that Kurt's pride was more important than his life.

Because things like this didn't happen. Not in real life, not on their watch.

And now, Kurt was somewhere either going to die, dying or dead, because their faith in the flamboyant soprano hadn't made him invincible.


	5. Where We Went Wrong

It started as one of the most bizarre phonecalls Quinn had ever gotten in her life.

At first, she didn't understand at all what Mercedes was trying to stay, but for some reason her friend simply refused to waste time on calming down. Quinn didn't even realize that something was wrong right away: Mercedes just sounded plain shocked and speechless.

It wasn't until when Quinn realized that Mercedes was crying did she finally understand that something was wrong.

"Q-Quinn.. He's gonna.. Trying.. He'll.." Her friend was obviously bawling her eyes out, and damn if it didn't make her very confused and terrified.

"'Cedes, it's going to be alright.. just.. tell me what's wrong, please?"

"My fault.. I knew.. He'd.. Can't _lose _him." Without really realizing it, Quinn started silently crying too, because the seriousness of the situation was catching up with her, even if she still didn't have smallest clue what was going on and who was.. hurt?

"Who, Mercedes? Can't lose who?"

"Kurt." That certainly took her breath away, the gravity of reality finally catching up with her, the truth she had been trying to run away from.

She really didn't want to ask.

And she felt even more guilty, if that was even possible, because neither did she really have to. "Wha-what's wrong with.. Kurt..?"

* * *

Kurt and Rachel had never really gotten along.

Rachel liked to pretend that it was because they were so different, that they simply didn't mix: like fire and water; fire didn't burn forever, yes, but could be brought to immediate stop anyway with water; like sun and moon, both having their own times to shine but never, ever could they interact with one another.

Rachel liked to think that it was because they were so similar, both driven by their pride and determination, with their dreams and goals clear and simple. And in her opinion, they could have both made it: they were simply meant to be stars, to shine.

Now she realized that all along, she had been very wrong, and while she normally hated the feeling, now it was just torturing, plain and simple. She should have known.

Because they could have gotten along precisely because of their differences.

Because in the end, they weren't like each other at all.

Rachel was a dreamer, had always been, and when she set her mind on something, she would do anything in her power to optain it.

Kurt was a realist, and maybe his dreams were never dreams but just simple goals, because in the end, Rachel wasn't sure if Kurt had ever really cared for them if he simply stopped fighting for them.

Or maybe it was Kurt's cruelest joke, most twisted, ironic last words: "In your face, morons, you may have broken me but now, the talent this world was supposed to admire and embrace, will be forever gone and never seen."

So no, Kurt wasn't supposed to die.

Not by his own hand.

Rachel would be damned if she let it happen.

* * *

Finn wasn't the brightest crayon in the box, everyone knew that.

But how could he have been so oblivious, so dumb, so insensitive? He had made his mistakes in life, but this one was, without a doubt, the top of the iceberg. Yes, Kurt obviously liked to keep things to himself, not bothering others with his problems - so stubborn in his pride, but that wasn't an excuse.

Finn hadn't had the slightest clue.

And it made him madder than ever that no-one he had called had been surprised - at all. Shocked, yes, but clearly it hadn't been unexpected for them. It felt like a betrayal to Finn - if they had known, if they had had their suspicions, why hadn't they done anything? They had betrayed Kurt, let him down when he needed them, but still Finn couldn't blame them. Now, when it was happening, Finn couldn't help but realize where he had failed and let Kurt down too. Looking back, it had been so obvious at times, like Kurt had altogether stopped trying to pretend, just to have someone to notice - and Finn had still held onto his ignorance.

He felt like the dumbest human being on earth.

And if there was a time for intelligence, Finn knew it was now, because there was no way they could save Kurt if they were only fooling around.

There was no way things could go back to normal if Kurt died. There was no way any of their lives would be the same ever again if Kurt was gone forever.

Finn had never really understood death: yes, he's father was dead, but he hadn't really known the guy so he had never really _lost _him. But having known Kurt, having had him, Finn had no idea how could he grieve for his step-brother and move on without falling apart. How anything could ever be the same again, how he could ever forgive himself.

So now, Finn decided to be the smartest human being in the world and do anything in his power he could to save Kurt, because he deserved no less.


	6. Yesterday's Make Believe

Kurt Hummel had never been one to give up.

While he was only human, full of flaws and vulnerability, he still had something special, something worth fighting for that separated him from brainless people who would never make it out of Lima, much less achieve anything from their sorry little lives.

Kurt knew exactly who he was, and was proud of it. While he got crap for it simply by existing, being _himself_, it never made him back down or try to hide behind himself. And in Blaine's opinion, that really was something to be very damn proud for, because it certainly showed that the kid had more backbone than Blaine had ever had. Blaine had been coward, insecure in his own skin, questioning himself: was it alright to be who he was, should he be someone else, should he change? So he had taken the easiest way out: he had ran, escaped to blend in somewhere else where he would not, _could not_ get picked on. (So really, who had he been to give Kurt advice? It had only served to make things _harder_ for him.)

The day was bright, sunny and warm: a perfect day to be alive and enjoy summer vacation. For once, Blaine was out of Dalton, unhidden by masks, uniforms and polite mannerisms.

It took only one phonecall for the make believes and play pretends to come crashing down.

* * *

_"Blaine?"_

_"Um, yes. Who's this?"_

_"Artie. I'm Kurt's friend."_

_"Oh... How'd you get my number?"_

_"Blaine. When did you last hear from Kurt?"_

_"Er.. Yesterday evening, he texted me. Why?"_

_"Do you have _any_ idea where he could've gone?"_

_"No? Why? Oh my god, what happened?"_

_There was a pause and Blaine sat down, preparing himself for the worst._

_"Kurt.. He left a note, telling that he's gonna kill himself. We're trying to find him. _Save_ him."_

_"Oh my god..." Blaine felt like someone had kicked him in the stomach. He felt sick, so sick, and oh god, it was so _wrong_ and he should have known. "God. I... I'll... I'll drive there and help you search." _

* * *

It wasn't until he was in his car, driving madly and breaking more laws than him and his family ever had, did he feel the truth sinking in. And he was a crying, sobbing mess, because sweet lord, he had _known_. Or he had at least been given enough hints to figure it out.

And yes, he felt even sicker when he swished out his cell phone to reread the message Kurt had texted him the day before.

_'Hi Blaine! I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate you being there for me. Your support really did mean a lot to me. So, thank you. One really can't go on without courage.'_

God. Kurt had practically told him everything that mattered: and Blaine had failed. Miserably, utterly failed. Kurt was dead or dying or trying to die somewhere all because Blaine had overlooked the simplest of signs.


	7. Pieces of Porcelain

**A/N:** This took forever because I'm lazy. And I _still_ haven't figured out how I'll end this story, nor do I really want to (I can't kill Kurt! I don't want cheesy happy ending!), so... I'll have to decide SOMETHING pretty soon, so... :D (But I haven't yet, so please, by all means, tell me what you'd like.~)

Plus, I attempted to write Sue Sylvester. And I failed. Miserably. I have HUGE respect for ANYONE who can manage to write her and make it believable. (lol how do you spell it?) But I suck so I can't GONNA STOP BABBLING NOW

* * *

Kurt wasn't really sure if he was brave enough to do this. While he wasn't having second thoughts about it, he had to admit: he was scared. In fact, he was sure he had never been this afraid of anything before.

Though, it wasn't the thought of the pain or death to come that took his breath away; he had been through this so many times in his mind that he was long past that. He was fully prepared for this, he wouldn't be here otherwise. Kurt Hummel was scared that after this, he would be hated, that he would be remembered for the wrong things: or worse, not remembered at all. And it was so, _so_ selfish of him, to even want people to remember him and his dreams, while he was a coward and gave up on them. Hell, if he wasn't strong enough to fight for them, why would anyone else care about him enough to remember them?

Besides, it wasn't like it mattered: he'd be dead. It didn't make any difference whether or not a future that would never happen would be remembered. He'd be lucky if anyone even cared to remember the times when he _had_ been there.

Would they remember? Care?

Kurt didn't honestly know anymore. Maybe he was too fucked up to be able to tell reality and his own mind apart. Maybe this was going to hurt them more that it would ever hurt him. Maybe they would get closer to each other and bond in their grief because of this. Maybe they would move on and simply remember him as one of the glee kids, nothing more than that. Maybe they would shed a couple of tears and sing a song about it. Maybe they would pray to God for him to be allowed to live in Heaven. So many maybes and he would never know.

Kurt sighed. He really, really hoped that he could be strong enough to live, or happy enough to want to. He didn't want to die, not really, and he hated the feeling: of craving, waiting, eager to die. Why did living become so hard? When did he altogether stop trying to? When did it become impossible to go on, when did it become necessery to _quit?_ As his father said so many times_: Nobody pushes the Hummels around._

Well, one more thing for his father to be ashamed and disappointed about in his son. His own son, letting himself be pushed and then _quitting_.

Pathetic.

* * *

The day had finally come.

The day that Sue Sylvester had predicted all along.

(Not the day when she took over the world, mind you. It was still totally going to happen, but apparently, it would take a little longer still.)

It was the amount of products in those crazy curls, that were probably most deservant of the blame, but that discussion would have to wait. The news: Will Schuester had gone insane.

Or at least, that was her first thought because one, Will was calling her and two, _Will Schuester_ was calling her. And so, as much as she would have loved the satisfaction of hanging up on him, she couldn't help but feel _slightly_ curious. Fascinated.

"Oh hello, Will! So nice of you to call me! Make it quick, I can hear the little elves in your hair squealing and jumping around, and trust me when I say I have better things to do than waste my time on this conversation."

"Sue."

"I think they're trying to get through from your cell phone to mine."

"Sue. I... We need your help. It's.. about Kurt."

"Ladyface, huh? What's up with Porcelain?"

"We're searching for him and we need your help. He left a suicide note."

Sue Sylvester dropped her cell phone.


	8. Actions

**A/N:** Yeeeah. Nothing really happens in this chapter either! I really should decide on something pretty soon, because I'm running out of excuses. :D This story must be getting pretty boring, sorry! :c I am going to improve, because I don't accept failing. Or, I don't accept failing too miserably.

* * *

It would be all too simple to find him and yell "Don't do it, Kurt! We couldn't live without you!", run into his arms and let everything be alright.

It would be all too easy to find him bleeding, take him to the hospital and let him be saved - "Oh Kurt, why did you do it? But don't worry, you're not dead and everything is better now!".

Too simple.

Too easy.

But they were the _only options_, because Tina wasn't ready to even let the other possibilities cross her mind.

(_Kurt's corpse bleeding, Kurt's eyes wide and unseeing, Kurt drown and liveless, Kurt's body in pieces, _Kurt not breathing.)

Tina knew that Kurt had to be found alive if they wanted to move on in their lives, if they wanted to ever be happy again - if they wanted to be free from the guilt. Because words _Kurt_ and _Dead_ shouldn't ever be used in a same sentence. Kurt was many things - a good friend, obsessed with fashion, witty, competitive, humorous, passive, compassionate and so, so much more - but above all of that, he had always been so _full of live_. Like he had said: "I'm not a box. There's more than four sides to me." He couldn't have been defined by simple words, but if someone had asked Tina to, she wouldn't have said gay or stylish or prissy. She would have said that he was beautiful, cheerful and bright, full of live and traits that made him annoying, made him adorable, made him so many things.

But never, ever would have Tina described him as _quitter_.

Never.

So with a sinking feeling Tina realized that perhaps, she never truly knew him.

That maybe, he hadn't ever trusted them enough to let them him, to let them see who he truly was under all the layers.

It hurt more than anything ever had, and she was _terrified_. Afraid that he would die because _they didn't care enough_, die and never be truly known. And Tina loved him, loved so much, and it simply wouldn't be fair for him to die before they had even seen who he really was.

And now, maybe she wouldn't be able to save him, because she didn't know him well enough to know _where the hell he'd go to kill himself_.

* * *

Without even really thinking it, the first thing Will did was call Sue. She was simply the most powerful woman, or, a person, in Lima - if you wanted something done, and done right, Sue was the one you should count on.

Not that she would let you, because she did not care about people. She was ever driven for her own goals only.

But Will knew that this was one of the very few exceptions, because really: Sue had her weaknesses. They weren't spoken of, they weren't thought of, they _weren't there_ - but they existed. Will didn't know any of them, not really, but this one.

Sue Sylvester cared about Kurt - simple as that.

Will knew, because he recognized the look in her eyes and it was a little too familiar to be seen without second thought.

Will almost let out a sigh of relief, because if there was one person you could except the impossible from, it was Sue. It didn't make the cold sense of dread from his stomach to diseappear, because really, they might already be _too late_. But it made him breathe easier, because it felt like he was doing everything in his power he could to save Kurt.

(Who hadn't he done that when Kurt was still _there_?)

God. He'd no idea where he could start looking for Kurt.

* * *

Please believe in sunrise  
don't ever forget the dawn of a new day  
I ask, I plead, _I beg of you_  
be the strong one for all of us

And if you'll live alone  
if you'll live with no soul  
please be there for me still  
please don't ever break

And if you'll see your reflection  
in broken mirrors  
please smile and be beautiful  
because there  
(you won't ever lie)  
nothing will be wrong

_

* * *

_

Burt called only two people.

One: Kurt himself. It was a force of habit, really: Kurt always had his cell phone with him, and he had never declined to answer to his father's calls. But there was a first time for everything, and while Burt couldn't say he was surprised, it still made the situation all the more real, more _painful_. Kurt always answered his cell phone.

Two: Mercedes. She was the only person aside from himself he knew Kurt could blindly trust, so it made sense that she could know something, even if he didn't. And aside from that, she deserved to know and she would probably be most helpful in the search.

Those were the only rational thoughts that ran through Burt's mind. Rest were simple struggling against breaking down, torment of memories, regrets and guilt - there wasn't room for much else. He was hardly aware of his surroundings as he ran to his car with Carole and Finn hot on his heels. He tried to clear his head, he really did, because he had to _think_, had to know what he was doing, because _there was his son's life on the line._

So he welcomed the feeling of numbess as it fell over him. There was no room for emotions in matters of life and death.


	9. To Find You

**A/N:** Just so you know, when I started writing this, the whole point kind of was to make Kurt _succeed_. So it's absolutely ridiculous how suddenly, I just can't decide what to do. _ But yeah, this is going to end, one way or another, I just suck at planning anything.:D

Anyway, here's a new chapter that I never really intended to write. ;) (And please, keep suggesting where you'd like to see this story going.)

* * *

Burt was driving like a madman.

There was something he had always been proud of: his ability to drive well, drive safe, like any good citizen should. Something he had always taught Kurt to do.

(He was sure that he'd feel even sicker if Kurt had taken his Navigator with him.)

But now, all his life-long lessons about driving safety were out of the window - the very last thing he cared about. It was wrong, of course, because Carole and Finn were in the car too, so it wasn't only his life he was risking. But neither of them said a word, so he didn't slow down. There was no time to spare, anyway: they had to find Kurt and they had to find him _now,_ because his son was such a determined person.

Kurt _never_ acted rashly. He always thought and planned everything through before trying anything foolish.

That meant only one thing: this wasn't something Kurt decided on a whim. This was something he had been planning for a while now, so Kurt knew what he was doing, and apparently, he had only one goal:

Succeeding.

And that was just too bad, because Burt's only goal was to prevent it from happening.

(He couldn't stop the despair from consuming him after every new disappointment.)

He _would not _cry, though.

Because Burt refused to weep for a son that he was yet to lose. Because his baby boy _could not_ be that easily lost forever.

* * *

Rachel really had no idea at all of where he could be.

Lima wasn't very big of a town, not really, and there wasn't many places where one could go anyway, so it always felt like a small, useless little town where she was stuck in.

But now, it felt bigger than the universe itself.

And Kurt could be _anywhere_, and the more they wasted time on trying to find him, more futile their search became. Kurt was only one person, one single human being: it didn't take that long for a life to be lost - that much has been proved true since forever.

Rachel was alone with her dads looking for Kurt, but from what she had heard from phonecalls with her fellow Glee club members, they were all checking places that Kurt had enjoyed and liked, or places where he could easily hide.

But it didn't feel right.

Why would he want to die in someplace that held happy memories, with ghosts of laughs and images from the past, mocking him with what he would lose?

Why would he want to die somewhere unknown, with unfamiliar surroundings, hidden, leaving the world with nothing to show for it - bleed to death without last suspension?

No, it certainly didn't feel right - that wasn't the person who Kurt had been, if not was still. Rachel sincerely believed so, and while she and Kurt hadn't exactly been best friends for live, they had had some kind of mutual understanding, silent connection. Rachel believed in that, wanted to count in that. Well, there certainly weren't any better clues to go by, so her opinion would probably be as good as anyone else's anyway.

So when her dad asked where to drive, she hesitated only for the tiniest of moments.

"I... School. McKinley High."

* * *

For the first time in the history of planet Earth, Sue Sylvester was feeling helpless. For the very first time, she was feeling like any other pathetic human being.

Apocalypse had to be drawing near.

There was unfamiliar pressure building behind her eyes, foreign feelings creeping up her spine - feelings strange, new, forbidden. Shock, disorientation, speechlessness. _Sadness, sorrow, regret._ (And anger, but that was nothing new.) Feelings better left unnamed.

Because Sue was feeling things. Feelings that were _human_.

One of her own.

A winner.

A fragile, strong, confident, beautiful, _young_ fellow human being (because apparently, she was one now too).

Winners didn't quit. Winners never quit.

(People who had the force of nature in their smiles didn't quit.)

People worth of Sue's respect didn't quit.

And now, damn if she couldn't shake these weaknesses described as _feelings_ off - she had to find her kid, because if she would fail in this, she was sure some of the blood would end up in her hands, because things like these didn't happen under Sue Sylvester's nose.


End file.
